Friday, February 28, 2014

Day 20.1

It's been close to a week since i posted. It's because it's been a really slow week, mostly. And i talked to Master about everything, so it felt redundant to put it in the journal.

i'm so angry right now, i could chew rebar and spit nails. i fucking hate fighting, so i refuse. i fucking refuse.

Master goes from zero to pissed in 2.5 seconds. When I broached the subject of Bella, the most I got was some strange personal vendetta and accusations, and his instructions were to tell her to go fuck herself. I said I wouldn't do that. I decided to drop it and ask if I should pull out of Kiss's room to give him my attention, only to be confronted with:

"Right now, i'm pretty pissy.‏
So the likeliness of anything being all that fun around me is slim to nil.‏"

So, fine. Be pissy. It's not like i'm subjected to -your- schizophrenic moods or anything.‏ And he has -no- idea why i'm frustrated and losing my normal implacable calm.‏ And in the middle of this, I forget to ask permission to enter Master's room. That He invited me to. And then told me to sit down.‏ So fuck it. I shut down IMVU.‏ GAH.

It's not in my personality to tell someone else to go fuck themselves. The very idea of, after applauding and encouraging me to stick to etiquette and careful speech, Master asking me to do that makes me so angry i could just cry. i'm not the kind of person who listens to what everyone else has to say about someone. i make my own decision on whether i like someone or something. It's part of being opinionated, something Master said He liked. Master's temper drives me through the freaking roof. Not that -i- didn't threaten bodily harm to people when i was younger and more hot-headed, but someone told me once that threatening to do something i wouldn't truthfully do lessened my impact, not added to it. It sank in. i usually view things with a very critical eye. 

xavi called attention to my training yesterday, too. i admitted that while yes, i had been impeccably trained, no one had bothered refining it in a long time. It makes me rusty. And Master, while voicing His wishes, does not train me. His wishes change constantly. i try to keep up, i really do. 

Master's looking for a Dominare. A Daddy Dom. While i'm thrilled about this, Master seems to consider me a teddy bear, when in fact we're a package deal. Whether His new Daddy gives me orders or not is irrelevant. It's a new force in our lives that affects both of us. Not that i'm not still dealing with guilt over the other two that Master had when i came in. 

i think perhaps the thing that made me lose my temper the most is seeing something that i had to excise from myself in Master. Once, i was the kind of person who allowed others to immediately impact my world. i hadn't learned to let it flow from me yet. When you give your irritations the right to make your day terrible, you give them too much power. So, because Master is pissy, all the plans and the light and the happiness of spending the day with Him is gone. Because yet something else made him upset. He does not have control of himself, and as such i am left, once again, feeling frustrated. And no, not sexually. For fucks sake, it's not all or nothing. i've been laid, both mentally and physically. My libido does not control me.

Though the thought that all the light is gone means that plans are once again put off to another day because of something Master let get to him. And he just had me fill out this ungodly long questionnaire of kinks. 

The WHIPLASH, GODDESS. Mein Gott, the whiplash.

And because i'm refusing to get into a fight with Master, i've been told to write it all out. So here. Written. 

i love my Master. i love my Master. i love my Master.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Day 14.1

i'm actually on break for the weekend, outside of writing and doing basic publicity maintenance.

The main thrust of today is Sinister! It's a goth club that springs into being every so often, as though on the back of a giant turtle. Within its walls live music and memories, disappearing again at dawn in a splash of reality and without knowledge of its return. Behold the mighty! In truth, i am -so- excite. *lapses into doge in excitement*

i'm going to wear my collar and manacles proudly today, Master. It'll be the first time in public.

*thinks happy and devoted thoughts to his Master*

Friday, February 21, 2014

Day 13.1

The last few days have been a rush. i hit a manic and went super-productive.

For those just tuning in, i'm a manic depressive. It's a strange place, but it's home.

i had a unique perspective on my manic this time. It lasted for 2 days and i not only felt very productive, but aggressive as well. i was more comfortable in traditionally Dominant roles and found myself directing the household with peak efficiency. i even took a more active rather than passive role with Master. The submissive Guardsman or Protector is a role i'm usually pretty comfortable in, and the little Master has felt particularly needy and shota of late. i don't mind. It pleases me to make Him happy.

So, bills today. Only three days on the paycheck. It's going to be a bit tight.

Sinister this weekend! i'm going to wear my collar proudly for the first time. i could just dance.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Day 10.2

As a crown and caveat to the day, i finally got the last of the detritus for The Beast within done! i am having celebratory beer. Well, Bud Light and Clammato, which is also GOD. *squees*

Day 10.1

Got a headache today. Didn't feel like going grocery shopping, so it'll wait. The Husbear cleaned out the bank account again anyway. i swear he has the money management skills of a toddler. i never want to hear -again- that anyone but me should keep track of the money. i swear no bill would ever get paid. *affectionate laugh*

Late start on work today, though. i have to get the .pdf and .epub done today, but after that, The Beast Within will be out in the world, and off my desk!

The art came in for Skin and Bones. SO happy with it. Now i just need to get the text on it and up on the site. The work's already through edits. Resistance was sent off to content yesterday! Things might just lighten up. That makes me so happy!

...Master said today he's considering releasing Tai. It makes me sad, because i know Master cares about Tai deeply. However, i'm also...somehow relieved. Master needs less stress in His life. He's changed, or so i'm told. xavi had a conversation with me a few days ago, and it was much needed. he's a wonderful person. However, he's pulling away from Master. i don't want to see their relationship end, but xavi's hurting. he asked me to talk to Master about it when i talked about the 'sex thing', but i haven't found an opportunity to talk yet. Maybe tonight. *Sigh* i don't want to be in the middle of the Master/xavi thing. They're a good pair. i'm just worried about Master. Then again, that's kind of my job description. *laughs*

Ah, it'll be fine. i'm sure things will work out.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Day 9.1

Today was a busy one.

i woke up at 6:45 a.m. and got straight to work. i didn't stop until 7 pm. Then, a bit of Numbers, and then online for a little bit.

Master had D&D tonight. He was mildly impaired when He got home, or so i'm told. So...i got online, and i think He passed out. o.o Tai got upset for some reason and left the room in a hurry, signed on to his Taitsu profile, and went and hid in his 'upset room'? Weird. Maybe because Master went black.

Ah, well. i'll send Master a text to wake up to and kiss Him metaphorically. i'm having a very good day. Long work day ahead again tomorrow, but the Beast Within is finally up for sale! Yay.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Day 8.1

So, Master gave me permission to skip the last few days. Firstly, we had a long talk re: the last post, and then yesterday was review day.

Master offered me his collar, and i accepted.

The scene the Husbear promised me never happened. In fact, he hasn't even mentioned it. He offered me his collar on Valentine's Day, and i turned him down. The truth is that he burned out 3 years ago. In those subsequent three years, i've lost a good deal of my respect for the man, since i've had to make all the decisions and lead the household. i've fucking forgotten how to live submissively. i can't do it without giving in to fear and anxiety. i'm missing my pills terribly. All i can think about is what's going to go wrong if i'm not paying attention. To let it go is something i've forgotten how to do. It's killing me.

i've been on a roller coaster for days. Throwing out Anna, getting in the new rescues. The house is swirling around my head. my work is swirling around my head. i want to write so badly, but nothing's coming, and when i start to look towards work, i know i'm behind and other things get pushed in front of my face. i need to just do this shit and get it done. This is ridiculous. It's all fucking ridiculous. i'm clingy, and weepy, and depressed, and ecstatic, and hopeful, and FUCK.

And that's my Boss calling. Oh, go to hell. *headdesk*

i shouldn't say things like that. i know we're doing well at the con where she's at. We're selling books and making money. Money that i hopefully will see some return on. o.o Text.

Great. Two more novels in the inbox. June just filled up.

The issue with Tai is a whole different ballgame. Goddess, i'm trying. And i'm the new kid on the block, and i don't have any room to talk, and i want to just reach out, flex the Alpha muscles, and wrap him up under my wing. Fuck if i know how that would go.

It doesn't help that my former friend won't speak to me on IMVU. As in my former submissive. Perhaps she's going through another phase where i'm the devil. That hurts more than i can say, but i don't have the will to take action on it. She's going to do what she's going to do and that's that.

Aaaand Master's tied up my hands. It's training. i know it's training. And it's nice to feel something steel within Him all of a sudden. But right now the only thing going through my mind is, "Oh, so we're doing this now. Huh." Which isn't a good headspace. A lot of my training was based on verbal acuity that matched bodily stance. Without the stance, i feel almost naked. Being stripped of tools when i'm having trouble finding my toolbelt is hell. i should trust Him, and i do. i really do. But i do not trust Tai yet. He's temperamental at best, even with Master, and i don't feel the ability to rely on him to be my arms. He got very quiet when Sir asserted his Dominance, and then excused himself. It smacks of him being pretty pissed off at having his legs hobbled. How can i rely on a brother who seems to unequivocally hate me on base principle? i can't. i'll just have to try and do my best. Just...just another line item of things to deal with.