Friday, February 28, 2014

Day 20.1

It's been close to a week since i posted. It's because it's been a really slow week, mostly. And i talked to Master about everything, so it felt redundant to put it in the journal.

i'm so angry right now, i could chew rebar and spit nails. i fucking hate fighting, so i refuse. i fucking refuse.

Master goes from zero to pissed in 2.5 seconds. When I broached the subject of Bella, the most I got was some strange personal vendetta and accusations, and his instructions were to tell her to go fuck herself. I said I wouldn't do that. I decided to drop it and ask if I should pull out of Kiss's room to give him my attention, only to be confronted with:

"Right now, i'm pretty pissy.‏
So the likeliness of anything being all that fun around me is slim to nil.‏"

So, fine. Be pissy. It's not like i'm subjected to -your- schizophrenic moods or anything.‏ And he has -no- idea why i'm frustrated and losing my normal implacable calm.‏ And in the middle of this, I forget to ask permission to enter Master's room. That He invited me to. And then told me to sit down.‏ So fuck it. I shut down IMVU.‏ GAH.

It's not in my personality to tell someone else to go fuck themselves. The very idea of, after applauding and encouraging me to stick to etiquette and careful speech, Master asking me to do that makes me so angry i could just cry. i'm not the kind of person who listens to what everyone else has to say about someone. i make my own decision on whether i like someone or something. It's part of being opinionated, something Master said He liked. Master's temper drives me through the freaking roof. Not that -i- didn't threaten bodily harm to people when i was younger and more hot-headed, but someone told me once that threatening to do something i wouldn't truthfully do lessened my impact, not added to it. It sank in. i usually view things with a very critical eye. 

xavi called attention to my training yesterday, too. i admitted that while yes, i had been impeccably trained, no one had bothered refining it in a long time. It makes me rusty. And Master, while voicing His wishes, does not train me. His wishes change constantly. i try to keep up, i really do. 

Master's looking for a Dominare. A Daddy Dom. While i'm thrilled about this, Master seems to consider me a teddy bear, when in fact we're a package deal. Whether His new Daddy gives me orders or not is irrelevant. It's a new force in our lives that affects both of us. Not that i'm not still dealing with guilt over the other two that Master had when i came in. 

i think perhaps the thing that made me lose my temper the most is seeing something that i had to excise from myself in Master. Once, i was the kind of person who allowed others to immediately impact my world. i hadn't learned to let it flow from me yet. When you give your irritations the right to make your day terrible, you give them too much power. So, because Master is pissy, all the plans and the light and the happiness of spending the day with Him is gone. Because yet something else made him upset. He does not have control of himself, and as such i am left, once again, feeling frustrated. And no, not sexually. For fucks sake, it's not all or nothing. i've been laid, both mentally and physically. My libido does not control me.

Though the thought that all the light is gone means that plans are once again put off to another day because of something Master let get to him. And he just had me fill out this ungodly long questionnaire of kinks. 

The WHIPLASH, GODDESS. Mein Gott, the whiplash.

And because i'm refusing to get into a fight with Master, i've been told to write it all out. So here. Written. 

i love my Master. i love my Master. i love my Master.

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