Thursday, February 13, 2014

Day 5.2

i've been having a hard time putting my feelings into words, so when i finally managed to talk it out with a friend, it made more sense to just copy/paste the conversation.

Stormie Maria Nugent
aww someones in a good mood :3

me
An ambivalent one, if i'm honest with myself.‏

Stormie Maria Nugent
oh?‏why all the confliction?‏

me
*nods* i'm feeling needy and clingy at the moment. i'm simultaneously deliriously happy to be in the company of a new friend and tormented with circuitous thoughts on Sir. i'm a little afraid to write them out in the journal, but i know i must.‏

Stormie Maria Nugent
*nods* how come you feel that way?‏

me*blinkblink* Which one?‏

Stormie Maria Nugentthe torment‏

me
*sighs* Maybe if i talk it out, i'll feel better.‏
Let's see if i can put this into words.‏
i'm feeling the shifting of honeymoon to the meat behind. i find myself deeply attracted to my Sir. i love feeling close to Him. i am concerned about his lover, Devon, who's been making serious passes at me, and i have no idea how to handle it. Sir gave me some very broad outlines, but He's a particularly lazy Sir. So when i push Him, He mostly ignores it because of the loose leash He's had to keep with the others. They're still avoiding me with a vengeance. While we've role-played, we've never had a session, and = he lets just about anything play with His temper, and it plays havoc with my emotions. Our schedules are reversed, which means either i'm left staying up at all hours, or he's trying to be awake during the day, which results mostly in Him sleeping through the day and nothing being achieved.‏
And, unfortunately by its own nature, there is little that disappoints a slave more than an inattentive Master. It's just fact, no matter how many excuses i feed myself.‏

Stormie Maria Nugent
*nods* sounds like you and Quinn need to have a talk and decide if staying is in your best interests, cuz thats a lot of negatives going on‏

me*sighs* i don't want to leave. Leaving hadn't really occurred to me. i care about Sir deeply, and i haven't been happier in a year. But i can't presume to ask for Him to change.‏

Stormie Maria Nugent
*nods* does he know what is bothering you?‏

me
i'm not sure if I've been clear, no. And that's -my- fault. But He's in such a mood all the time. Either bouncing and through the stratosphere, or grouchy and not in a mood to really talk.‏
*laughs* And -terribly- distractable.‏

Stormie Maria Nugent
lol ya very much bipolar and likely adhd‏

me
Oh, He knows He is. Even when we were supposed to be having a 'checkup', he couldn't focus.‏

Stormie Maria Nugent
aww :(

me
And i feel terrible because here i am complaining to You. *sighs* i don't mean to.‏

Stormie Maria Nugent
its ok hun, i dont mind at all :3
i tend to be a therapist of sorts to my friends‏

me
i usually do too.‏
i'm thinking about just copy/pasting this conversation into the journal for Him.‏

Stormie Maria Nugent
its up to you hun, i dont mind‏

me
If I've actually gotten it all out for once. *smiles*
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i don't know. i feel conflicted. And stupid, because i'm clingy today. It's Valentine's Day. 

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