Sunday, February 16, 2014

Day 8.1

So, Master gave me permission to skip the last few days. Firstly, we had a long talk re: the last post, and then yesterday was review day.

Master offered me his collar, and i accepted.

The scene the Husbear promised me never happened. In fact, he hasn't even mentioned it. He offered me his collar on Valentine's Day, and i turned him down. The truth is that he burned out 3 years ago. In those subsequent three years, i've lost a good deal of my respect for the man, since i've had to make all the decisions and lead the household. i've fucking forgotten how to live submissively. i can't do it without giving in to fear and anxiety. i'm missing my pills terribly. All i can think about is what's going to go wrong if i'm not paying attention. To let it go is something i've forgotten how to do. It's killing me.

i've been on a roller coaster for days. Throwing out Anna, getting in the new rescues. The house is swirling around my head. my work is swirling around my head. i want to write so badly, but nothing's coming, and when i start to look towards work, i know i'm behind and other things get pushed in front of my face. i need to just do this shit and get it done. This is ridiculous. It's all fucking ridiculous. i'm clingy, and weepy, and depressed, and ecstatic, and hopeful, and FUCK.

And that's my Boss calling. Oh, go to hell. *headdesk*

i shouldn't say things like that. i know we're doing well at the con where she's at. We're selling books and making money. Money that i hopefully will see some return on. o.o Text.

Great. Two more novels in the inbox. June just filled up.

The issue with Tai is a whole different ballgame. Goddess, i'm trying. And i'm the new kid on the block, and i don't have any room to talk, and i want to just reach out, flex the Alpha muscles, and wrap him up under my wing. Fuck if i know how that would go.

It doesn't help that my former friend won't speak to me on IMVU. As in my former submissive. Perhaps she's going through another phase where i'm the devil. That hurts more than i can say, but i don't have the will to take action on it. She's going to do what she's going to do and that's that.

Aaaand Master's tied up my hands. It's training. i know it's training. And it's nice to feel something steel within Him all of a sudden. But right now the only thing going through my mind is, "Oh, so we're doing this now. Huh." Which isn't a good headspace. A lot of my training was based on verbal acuity that matched bodily stance. Without the stance, i feel almost naked. Being stripped of tools when i'm having trouble finding my toolbelt is hell. i should trust Him, and i do. i really do. But i do not trust Tai yet. He's temperamental at best, even with Master, and i don't feel the ability to rely on him to be my arms. He got very quiet when Sir asserted his Dominance, and then excused himself. It smacks of him being pretty pissed off at having his legs hobbled. How can i rely on a brother who seems to unequivocally hate me on base principle? i can't. i'll just have to try and do my best. Just...just another line item of things to deal with.

Fuck.

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